I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
