he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
