Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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