this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
