The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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