Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
