I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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