If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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