Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
