I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
