You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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