Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
