and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
