can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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