Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
