VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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