There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
