Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
