I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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