I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
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