She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
