We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm getting married
To pizza
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
