hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
