literally had 100 drinks last night.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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