you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
