party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
3pm strippers are depressing
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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