Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
