Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
