you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
