Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
