im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
