So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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