The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
