Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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