The maid of honor just puked.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
