the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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