i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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