I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
