I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
