I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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