All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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