I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
