I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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