he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
