My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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