so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
