If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
