All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You ate ashes out of my bong
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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