have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
