he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
