one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I got inside last night via doggy door
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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