Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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