I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
